So, you’re feeling disrespected, violated, overwhelmed, overburdened, put upon, stretched, resentful, ignored, unsupported and unhappy about how life is being for you.

This may be stemming from the way you are using your boundaries.

We all need boundaries.

When my son was at primary school he always preferred the teachers that had a firmer grip on the class; because he knew the rules, he knew where he stood with these teachers which made him feel more secure.

Boundaries come in all sorts of different styles, shapes and sizes and are part of everyday life. Therefore, it’s important to get clear on the different sorts of boundaries we come up against all day, every day within the many relationships we juggle.

These boundaries include:

• Physical boundaries that define our personal space and physical needs.
• Emotional boundaries to protect our feelings and emotional energy.
• Time boundaries that help manage commitments and how we spend our time.
• Mental boundaries to protect our thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
• Material boundaries govern how we share or protect our possessions.
• Relationship boundaries to manage the expectations in friendships, family, or romantic relationships and at work.
• Digital boundaries to manage our interactions online, such as at work and through technology and social media.

We are now living in a 24 hour world. Personal phones, social media and communication apps can make us feel as if we should be available 24 hours a day.

Even though we feel pressured to be constantly looking at our phones and emails, we don’t need to.  I am sure we have all experienced the person wanting to connect with you on social media and if they haven’t had a reply from you they are messaging you saying;

“I haven’t heard from you.”

Or

“Have I done something to upset you?”  

Or maybe.

“Please explain why you don’t want my service.”

These are generally unknowns who are trying to guilt trip you and pressurise you into keeping connected to them but in fact, they might be doing the opposite and repelling you.

Boundaries and self-care.

Boundaries are a form of self-care and if set accurately with our values in life and used wisely they will demonstrate that you value yourself and prioritise your well-being.

They protect our overall health and well-being by limiting ourselves to harmful situations.

They will define our needs because we are letting others know what is acceptable.

Boundaries will promote healthy relationships of mutual respect.

Interference with our boundaries.

Even with the best intentions, our boundaries can be stretched and overthrown. When we’re busy, under pressure, and juggling many different roles and responsibilities, it can be hard to keep to our boundaries, let alone reflect on them to keep them relevant to how life is for us. Setting and keeping to our boundaries are tied up in many subconscious influences as well as other personal experiences.

How are you managing your boundaries?

Unfortunately, it can be difficult to set boundaries and keep them intact because “stuff” can get in the way.

It might be due to the:

Fear of confrontation, rejection or abandonment if you were to say no.

Desire to please others by putting other people’s needs before your own and over accommodating, saying yes because boundary setting feels unfair or daunting.

A lack of confidence can lead to believing your needs are less important than others.

Cultural norms or family dynamics may discourage boundary-setting, especially if it's viewed as selfish or disrespectful.

Not realising that boundaries need to be reinforced or reorganised.

Fear of guilt for prioritising your needs, especially if you’ve been conditioned to believe that caring for yourself is selfish.

Some people see boundaries as walls that push others away, and seem as cold or unapproachable rather than tools for healthier relationships.

People who seek approval from others may struggle to set boundaries, fearing disapproval or loss of validation.

Survivors of abuse or neglect may have difficulty setting boundaries due to a history of their limits being ignored or invalidated.

Misunderstandings of boundaries can lead to weakening relationships and self-care rather than growing them.

A lot of my clients express their unhappiness at work and at home.  I hear things like:

“My boss doesn’t respect the work that I do which makes me feel belittled and angry.”

“There is no organisation in our house and it’s making me feel very anxious.”

“My brother keeps changing the arrangements for meeting up as a family.”

Perhaps you have felt or heard others express something similar.

When I hear this from clients I steer our conversation towards that statement about work, home and family life to develop a better understanding of what is going on for them.  This allows me to get a better vision and for my clients, they often begin to notice where or what the problems are. In other words, this enables them to reflect on the situation, start investigating and begin resolving it.

What Boundaries Do.

Setting boundaries demonstrates that you value yourself and prioritise your well-being because they safeguard your mental and emotional health by limiting exposure to harmful behaviours or situations.

They help you communicate your preferences, values, and limits to others which means boundaries grow mutual respect and prevent misunderstandings or resentment.

Boundaries are not about shutting people out but about creating space where you and others can thrive. They are essential for building a balanced, fulfilling life whilst taking responsibility for your own feelings and not others.

Setting healthy boundaries involves clear communication, self-awareness, and consistency so that you can feel respected and heard in your relationships.  Being able to say no without feeling guilt or fear and giving yourself time and space for your priorities

The 10 Step Guide To Boundary Setting For A Happier Life.

Here’s a step-by-step guide that can be used in any area of your life.

1. Reflect on your values by identifying what’s important to you in relationships, work, and personal life. Pay attention to when you feel resentment, discomfort, or stress—these often indicate a boundary is needed.

2. Be specific by deciding what behaviours, commitments, or situations you’re comfortable with and where you need to draw the line. Think holistically and look at all areas of your life in terms of all your needs - emotional, physical, time, work, and social.

3. Express your boundaries without blaming or accusing by using “I” instead of “you” and staying calm but assertive, in a kind and caring way.

4. Practice setting boundaries in low-risk situations to build your confidence.

5. Practice polite refusals and learn to say no without over-explaining or apologising.

6. If your boundaries are being pushed, clearly and politely explain what will happen if your boundaries aren’t respected.

7. Be consistent by following through with your boundaries and any consequences you set. Inconsistency can confuse others letting them think they can push and weaken your boundaries.

8. Make time to practice self-care activities that will recharge you, reinforcing your boundaries and emotional health. Regular self-care strengthens your determination to maintain your boundaries.

9. Be prepared for resistance because some people may push back against your boundaries, especially if they’re used to you being overly accommodating. Stand firm and remind yourself why you are setting these boundaries in the short and long term.

10. Share your intentions with trusted friends or a therapist who can help you stay accountable.

To have a no-obligation conversation about boundary setting for a happier life use the link below to book your 30-minute chat.