Help!  How hard is it to say that one simple word and make the request?

We’re very quick to help others but struggle to ask for help ourselves. When you see it like that, it doesn’t make sense, does it?

The National Institute of Mental Health suggests that women find it easier than men to ask for help in all areas of daily life, however, these differences are influenced by various factors, including social, cultural, and psychological norms.

(https://www.nimh.nih.gov/search-nimh?query=men+and+women+asking+for+help)

But why?

Typically, men tend to have a tighter social circle which might make them feel less likely to ask for help.  This might give rise to feelings of incompetence, weakness, and vulnerability, especially in a competitive and professional setting.  How they are perceived by others will also influence the type of request they make, tending to focus on more practical and technical support.  This also shows they are less likely to ask for help with health issues even though they know they need to.

Women on the other hand, typically have a wider circle of friendships in social and professional settings.  This may assist in feeling less vulnerable than men and happier to share and seek support on practical, and technical issues as well as health and well-being.

Overall, while both men and women can face challenges in asking for help, these challenges are shaped by different social, cultural, and psychological dynamics. Research suggests that the younger generations and certain cultures with fewer gender constraints are more likely to ask for help than others.

Why do people fear asking for help?

It is suggested that even though we go through life desperate for help and support we fear asking for it.

Fear of rejection, judgment or stigmatisation, power of dynamics and authority issues and loss of control - This is particularly common in environments where independence and self-reliance are highly valued.

Negative past experiences, cultural or societal norms and social comparison – When criticism and a strong emphasis on self-reliance may create internal and external barriers.

The feeling of burdening others and a dependency on others - They might feel that asking for help will impose on others or add to someone else's workload or stress. This concern can be particularly strong if the helper appears busy or stressed.

Communication barriers, lack of clarity on what they need, unreliable and inadequate help - Sometimes, people struggle to articulate what kind of help they need or how to ask for it effectively. Vague requests can lead to misunderstandings or the wrong type of assistance.

Emotional vulnerability and a lack of trust in others’ abilities - Asking for help can expose personal struggles, challenges, or emotions, leading to feelings of vulnerability. This is particularly true when the help required is personal or sensitive.

Fear of reciprocation - Some worry that by asking for help, they will be obligated to return the favour, which could create a sense of indebtedness or an uncomfortable social dynamic.

All of these fears are genuine, but we also need to be looking at the positives of asking for help.

What are the benefits of asking for help?

• Growth and learning, saving time, and energy and increasing your problem-solving capacity. Instead of struggling on your own, you are learning from others’ experiences. Two heads are better than one.
• Strengthens connections, creating opportunities for others to give and grow, developing your relationships and building a wider support network when future challenges crop up encouraging future collaborations.
• Reduces stress feeling overwhelmed, showing courage and an openness to your vulnerability when admitting to needing help.
• Promotes resilience, prevents isolation demonstrating that you’re not alone and people want to help.
• Boosts self-awareness shows emotional intelligence, and fosters confidence in your ability to ask for help when you can see others are happy to help.
• Normalises seeking help and support, reducing the fear of failure as you know you have a support network around you.
• Asking for help can be empowering, leading to growth, connection, and a more supportive community.

With all of this in mind, how can we grow our capacity to ask for help?

We have all experienced times when we have asked for help and the help or information given is incorrect or unnecessary.  You then feel obliged to be overjoyed, with the support at the risk of appearing ungrateful for the time that others have given to you and a fake.

Whether you are male or female asking for help can be hard especially when you are unsure of what you need and who to ask.

Reducing the risk of being turned away, left feeling deflated and more uncertain here are some tips to help you work through this process more easily.

• Converting your concerns around asking for help as a weakness to a strength. Remember the benefits of asking for support from the information above and challenging any negative beliefs you are holding around asking for help by being totally honest with yourself.
• Prepare in advance. Work out exactly what help you need to reduce the risk of being misinformed by understanding your problem and the result of having the information you are requesting.
• Start small by requesting help with minor problems building up to more difficult issues.  Go to people you trust to gain your confidence and grow your support network.
• Reinforce positive reactions by celebrating their responses and reflecting on positive times when you have asked for help in the past.
• Consider the worst-case scenario. If someone were to say, “no”, think about what you would say, thanking them, not taking it personally and asking if they know anyone who could help. Remember that most of the time people do want to help if they can.
• Rehearse how to ask for help and practice being assertive.  Sometimes when we’re very anxious about asking for help our words, tone of voice and body language can come across incorrectly.
• Practice self-compassion.  If your request for help wasn’t fruitful on this occasion it doesn’t mean it will never work out positively again.  Reflect on how you could improve on your request and try again.

Asking for help doesn’t have to be a hard question to ask.  Feeling more confident about yourself and the reasons why you’re requesting help is important.  Remember that nobody knows everything, and we all need help and support now and again, especially when we’re working on something new. 

Hold your head up high and ask with confidence.

My latest book "4 Steps to Emotional Freedom" also discusses how we can grow and overcome difficult and complex negative emotions, thoughts and feelings so that we can thrive and live an authentic life.